Let's talk about procrastination.

To be fair, it's only been about...what, like a year since my last post?

This is not about me feeling lazy, this is not about lack of priorities. This is about the art of procrastination, an art that I am super good at. When it comes to big projects, whether it be personal to me or at work, or big goals, like significant weight loss or IVF. On my morning walk yesterday I was listening to Mel Robbin's podcast, specifically "The Only Way to Stop Procrastinating (Based on Research)" and I had such an A-HA moment that it shook me.

Side note: I adore Mel Robbins. She is goals, she is relatable, and she is strength. AND she has turned lemons into lemonade throughout her entire life, sharing what she has learned, including the science behind it.

OK back to my soap box. Procrastination is not something to be embarrassed about. Everyone does it because NO ONE is perfect. What I now understand is, procrastination happens because we are looking for comfort in a moment when we are stressed. YES. This explains pressing "snooze" so many times. This explains why we watch scroll aimlessly on social media, only to find another day has gone by without starting that workout, that project, that BLOG POST.

When I made this connection I realized how stressed out I am currently. For example:

1) The house feels like every room is in a state of chaos, especially our bedroom.

2) I haven't started my YouTube channel. Something that is so important to me, but I don't know where to start.

3) I'm working in a corporate job that my goals and beliefs do not align with.

What makes #3 so hard is that every time I have a bad day, I go on a spiral of guilt like why haven't I done more to make my dreams come true? I'm meant for greater. I deserve better. I want my family to be proud of me. Cue shame spiral.

But what is this all really about? Sleeping in when the alarm goes off, I always think how lucky I am, I have a wonderful husband that is snuggling me on one side, my adorable cat on the other. I'm in heaven. I love the quiet early hours of the morning. It is serene. But then all of a sudden Nick is jumping out of bed in a rush to start his work day, and I feel a bit left behind. He loves what he does. He is so motivated, and such a corporate dude. It reminds me that I am about to trudge through another day, another uphill battle in the 9-5 where I don't feel seen, and I'm not able to showcase my best qualities. That's another *ping* reminder that I am not living my authentic life. I start to think, maybe I can't have it all, happy home life AND a job I love. One will always have to suffer.

Perhaps the mindset needs to shift though. Listen, I am not someone who can just send in my resignation letter and throw myself all into the creative work I want to do full-time, this girl has bills to pay y'all. I listened to a podcast by Cara Alwill and she left a corporate job to do what she loves full time. She took on the mindset that her 9-5 was her angel investor to allow her to do the work she loves outside of office hours. So she made it work for her. A mindset shift.

How can I take this approach? It would mean a new morning and evening routine. Being intentional with my 24 hours. When I start to think MY GOD that is tiring. But we are ALIVE. This life is a blessing, and I believe we were all put here for a reason. My day to day does not reflect my true purpose. Pressing snooze and spending a ton of time winding down on the couch every night is relaxing AF, but it is not getting me further ahead. It is making me feel more stuck.

This procrastination thought that first provoked this post in the first place has allowed me to come full circle. The comfort that I have been subconsciously seeking by making these choices is no longer that, as in, providing comfort.

So this is me, challenging myself, and putting it in writing to make myself more accountable, but also to give myself some grace and compassion. Small steps. Starting with one room. One pile of clothes. One blog, one vlog. One walk around the block, the next, Trinity Bellwoods Park. Rome wasn't built in a day, nor was Sarah Clare.