The black spandex life chose me!

Due to an extreme paranoia that I will spring a leak outside of the comfort of my own home, I find myself only wearing black biker shorts or leggings. TNA (Aritzia) or Old Navy brands to be exact. They are comfortable, flattering, and go with pretty much everything. They make me feel confident that I don't need to constantly ask Nick "can you check my butt" every time I stand up after a meal. I'm not even going to discuss the pain.

The fear of hemorrhaging in a public space is with me every day of my life, and this has been part of me for the last 10+ years. For example, in my first week at my current job I went for lunch with a friend and within a 45 minute lunch I somehow completely soiled my underwear, pants, and I'm sure the leather chair I had been sitting on in the restaurant. I did not realize this until I felt it walking into the lobby of my building. I was horrified when I got to the bathroom, and thank my lucky stars I was able to text one of my best friends to bring me a pad and tampon.

When I have my period, I cannot go an hour without an overnight pad and ultra tampon. For days. Think about that blood loss, like, no wonder I'm anemic. No wonder I have PTSD. No wonder I am afraid to go on long drives, travel, go to Nick's remote cottage.

Here's another example for you. A memory popped up on Facebook last week when Nick and I were in Boston three years ago. I remember we were walking the beautiful grounds of Harvard on a gorgeous sunny day. Out of nowhere I started hemorrhaging, wearing a red and white dress no less, and panicking to find a bathroom. Nick and I found one in the student centre, he patiently waited outside for me for what felt like an eternity I am sure. I spent the rest of the day extremely uncomfortable, worried, and feeling terrible.

Sporadic bleeding outside of my period has been normal for me for a long time, and for those of us who have problematic fibroids or cysts, it is typical. Most of us who bleed, spot the odd time outside of our periods, sure. But full on heavy bleeding out of nowhere is my realty. After having my fibroids and cyst removed in March I am extremely hopeful that my symptoms will be better. I am coming off of Lupron and Norethindrone this month and am feeling nervous AF. My doctors have assured me that it will be better, but I haven't had anything be normal through this journey so I am sceptical. In addition to all of this, most of my clothes be tight right now. Remember when Regina George said "these sweatpants are all that fits me right now" in Mean Girls, I feel that.

Knix period panties have helped give me extra confidence, I do recommend them if you have the means to do so. For now, I will be rocking the black spandex until I feel confident again. That could be weeks, or it could be months. The black spandex leggings will be part of my walks, work uniform, and dinner dates for the foreseeable future and I'm totally OK with the way they make my butt look for the interim.